Its been a long time since I've written anything on here. So, lets just say that things have been interesting. Today's message is one of sheer loneliness. Sure, I'm normally a very happy person, full of stupid things to say so people will laugh. But, that clownish way, hides what is really going on inside. Just like bullies terrorize kids who are weaker then them to get the "self-respect" that they crave. Sure I laugh, but deep down I'm crying. If you could just look into my eyes you would be able to see that.
The weight of too many years of being the clown, ignoring my own depression, has pushed me past my own point of no return. Its times like these that make me want to just drawn in my sorrows. But, that isn't me. I've learned to "just keep swimming" or push past these moments because there will be good times once again. Not everyone can say this. My advice to these people? Learn where your boundaries are, learn to let go, and keep swimming towards shore.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Creatures of Habit
So, we have all heard enough of the supposed "rapture" that was supposed to have happened last Saturday. A crap load of people wasted their life savings, took up picket signs, and waited for Jesus to come down and hoist them up to the big cloud in the sky.
We, as human beings, are naturally creatures of habit. But, every time some preacher dude predicts the "end of the world", do we really have to believe him? Mr. Camping, had predicted the same thing almost 20 years ago. And yet, we believed him. What's to say that another 20 years from now, a Mr. Camping wannabe, will try to do the same thing.
We can predict all we want. But, in the end we have to remember one basic thing: fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice, shame on me.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
The Past
We all have a past. Some of us have more of a past then others. This month holds some very tough memories from my past. May 18th will be my one year anniversary of divorce. May 8th would have been the birthdate of 1 set of twins, they would've been two years old this year. And, May 16th would have been the birthdate of the second set of twins, they would've been one year old. This month is going to be a tough one, with so much heartache. But, you know what? I don't have to go through this alone. Even though I cry by myself, that doesn't mean that others aren't mourning with me.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Super short story #1: The Nightmare
The tree branches and undergrowth stung her as she raced through the woods. The sound of her own foot steps echoing in the quietness around her. Her runners legs were no match for the cross country trek she was embarked upon. She glanced back towards where she had come from, searching in vain for the man who was hunting her. The darkness seemed to pique her anxiety, her paranoia.
She stumbled into a clearing, her breath jagged and her pulse high. She looked around her for some escape route, some hiding spot. But, it was to no avail. As she caught her breath, she listened for footsteps or some other clue that he was coming. After a couple moments, she started running again, not really knowing where she was going or even knowing what the outcome would be.
A day earlier:
Jannelle's day started like any other day in her life. She woke up, got dressed, and ate some breakfast (which consisted a bowl of cereal). She looked out through the kitchen windows to the "woods" that stood like an island between the house and the street. In the center of the "woods" was the small building that her father called his research lab. The small building was barely visible among the giant firs that sprouted up from the earth. It was a place of mystery to her, even if she did work there. Beyond her cubbie hole of an office was a door that led into her fathers' lair, no one was allowed in there.
After Jannelle finished her breakfast, she walked out through the "woods" to her office, to wait for her father. It was the one thing during the day that she enjoyed doing, the one time that she could do what she wanted to do. She looked at the mountain of paperwork that she had to sort and file. When am I going to find the time to do all of this? She said to herself. Her desk was situated on the far back corner of the "sitting room" (why it was called a sitting room, she had no clue, because no one ever came to visit her father at work). The desk wasn't a big one; just big enough to hold her computer, a phone, and the paperwork. If she needed something copied, she had to go into the house to use the copier there.
Not long after she sat down, her father walked in. He was dressed in his usual black slacks, dress shirt, tie, lab coat, and his wire-rimmed glasses. He wasn't a tall man, standing at only about 5'8". He was a secretive man, but he had a temper on him. You never crossed him, never. Jannelle had learned this years ago, her sister Amelia had not.
"Your cousins, Abby and Anthony are coming over today, I would like you to give them a tour of my lab."
With that, Jannelle's father opened the door to his lab and walked in. She was completely surprised. He had never allowed anyone to come here, not even her mother was allowed (something about her mother not being able to keep secrets, or some such nonsense). She thought this kind of odd, but she start on the work that had to be done by the end of the day.
A couple hours went by when she heard a knock on the outside door. She opened the door and saw her cousins, she let them in.
"Just a moment guys, let me go get dad, then I can get you that tour," she said as she knocked on the door to her father's lab.
"Dad, Abby and Anthony are here!"
"Ok, I'll be right out."
Just then, her father opened the door and gave his neice and nephew a hug. He had a mischievous smile on his face as he looked back at the open door to his lab.
"Its ok, Jannelle, you can show them the lab," he said as he walked out of the building.
Thinking that this was even stranger, she gingerly motioned for her cousins to follow her. She walked into the lab, which seemed bigger than it was. The building itself was tiny, but this room seemed to be huge. The room was full of surgical equipment, a computer desk, two small windows, and a fire extinquisher. Just then, an odd smell assualted her nose. Just as soon as it registered, she saw Abby slide listless to the floor. Not long after, Anthony followed.
Jannelle ran through the door of the lab, and through the front door of the building. Was her father trying to kill them? If so, why? She hid behind one of the big firs, as she watched her father sneak into the building, until it was dark. Slightly intrigued, she walked around the building to one of the two small windows. She stood on a larger boulder that was conveniently placed by the window. What she saw horrified her.
She watched as her father put Abby on the surgical table (as far as she knew Abby was still alive), then she saw blood splurting everywhere. She felt her footing give way, was she reached for the window ledge. She got the window instead, just as she fell, she saw her father look up.
She got up, brushed herself off, and ran like hell. The tree branches and underbrush stung her as she raced through the woods. The sound of her own foot steps echoing in the quietness around her. Her runners legs were no match for the cross country trek she was embarked upon. She glanced back towards where she had come from, searching in vain for the man who was hunting her. The darkness seemed to pique her anxiety, her paranoia.
She stumbled into a clearing, her breath jagged and her pulse high. She looked around her for some escape route, some hiding spot. But, it was to no avail. As she caught her breath, she listened for footsteps or some other clue that he was coming. After a couple moments, she started running again, not really knowing where she was going or even knowing what the outcome would be.
Why did it seem like the "woods" were neverending? It must be the drug that dad sprayed into the room, she thought to herself. She kept running, until the inevitable happened. She didn't see a tree root sticking up out of the earth because of the darkness, her foot got stuck, and she fell flat on her face. This was it, she said to herself. She tried to move but her ankle wouldn't give.
A figure slowly approached her. Her father didn't need to run after her, he must've known that. In his hand was a syringe full of something, as he came closer to her, he knelt down next to her.
"Don't worry, my dear, you won't feel a thing," he said has he stuck her with the needle and injected her with the fluid. . .
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Jannelle jumped up off her bed and quickly shut off her alarm clock. Oh man, what a nightmare, she thought to herself, as she slowly caught her breath. She walked slowly to the bathroom (it was right across from her bedroom). After taking a hot shower, and dressing, she walked up the stairs to eat her breakfast. It was a school day, there would be no reason for her to still feel anxious and nervous.
She looked out the kitchen windows towards the "woods". She knew that there was no lab out there, no surgical tables, no nothing. But, the realness of the dream hit her hard. She walked out her front door, and started walking up the drive. She looked into the "woods", and if by instinct, she saw a flash of something moving. She ran the 1/4 mile to the bus stop, where the other kids were waiting for the bus.
Once the bus arrived, she stepped on and never looked back.
She stumbled into a clearing, her breath jagged and her pulse high. She looked around her for some escape route, some hiding spot. But, it was to no avail. As she caught her breath, she listened for footsteps or some other clue that he was coming. After a couple moments, she started running again, not really knowing where she was going or even knowing what the outcome would be.
A day earlier:
Jannelle's day started like any other day in her life. She woke up, got dressed, and ate some breakfast (which consisted a bowl of cereal). She looked out through the kitchen windows to the "woods" that stood like an island between the house and the street. In the center of the "woods" was the small building that her father called his research lab. The small building was barely visible among the giant firs that sprouted up from the earth. It was a place of mystery to her, even if she did work there. Beyond her cubbie hole of an office was a door that led into her fathers' lair, no one was allowed in there.
After Jannelle finished her breakfast, she walked out through the "woods" to her office, to wait for her father. It was the one thing during the day that she enjoyed doing, the one time that she could do what she wanted to do. She looked at the mountain of paperwork that she had to sort and file. When am I going to find the time to do all of this? She said to herself. Her desk was situated on the far back corner of the "sitting room" (why it was called a sitting room, she had no clue, because no one ever came to visit her father at work). The desk wasn't a big one; just big enough to hold her computer, a phone, and the paperwork. If she needed something copied, she had to go into the house to use the copier there.
Not long after she sat down, her father walked in. He was dressed in his usual black slacks, dress shirt, tie, lab coat, and his wire-rimmed glasses. He wasn't a tall man, standing at only about 5'8". He was a secretive man, but he had a temper on him. You never crossed him, never. Jannelle had learned this years ago, her sister Amelia had not.
"Your cousins, Abby and Anthony are coming over today, I would like you to give them a tour of my lab."
With that, Jannelle's father opened the door to his lab and walked in. She was completely surprised. He had never allowed anyone to come here, not even her mother was allowed (something about her mother not being able to keep secrets, or some such nonsense). She thought this kind of odd, but she start on the work that had to be done by the end of the day.
A couple hours went by when she heard a knock on the outside door. She opened the door and saw her cousins, she let them in.
"Just a moment guys, let me go get dad, then I can get you that tour," she said as she knocked on the door to her father's lab.
"Dad, Abby and Anthony are here!"
"Ok, I'll be right out."
Just then, her father opened the door and gave his neice and nephew a hug. He had a mischievous smile on his face as he looked back at the open door to his lab.
"Its ok, Jannelle, you can show them the lab," he said as he walked out of the building.
Thinking that this was even stranger, she gingerly motioned for her cousins to follow her. She walked into the lab, which seemed bigger than it was. The building itself was tiny, but this room seemed to be huge. The room was full of surgical equipment, a computer desk, two small windows, and a fire extinquisher. Just then, an odd smell assualted her nose. Just as soon as it registered, she saw Abby slide listless to the floor. Not long after, Anthony followed.
Jannelle ran through the door of the lab, and through the front door of the building. Was her father trying to kill them? If so, why? She hid behind one of the big firs, as she watched her father sneak into the building, until it was dark. Slightly intrigued, she walked around the building to one of the two small windows. She stood on a larger boulder that was conveniently placed by the window. What she saw horrified her.
She watched as her father put Abby on the surgical table (as far as she knew Abby was still alive), then she saw blood splurting everywhere. She felt her footing give way, was she reached for the window ledge. She got the window instead, just as she fell, she saw her father look up.
She got up, brushed herself off, and ran like hell. The tree branches and underbrush stung her as she raced through the woods. The sound of her own foot steps echoing in the quietness around her. Her runners legs were no match for the cross country trek she was embarked upon. She glanced back towards where she had come from, searching in vain for the man who was hunting her. The darkness seemed to pique her anxiety, her paranoia.
She stumbled into a clearing, her breath jagged and her pulse high. She looked around her for some escape route, some hiding spot. But, it was to no avail. As she caught her breath, she listened for footsteps or some other clue that he was coming. After a couple moments, she started running again, not really knowing where she was going or even knowing what the outcome would be.
Why did it seem like the "woods" were neverending? It must be the drug that dad sprayed into the room, she thought to herself. She kept running, until the inevitable happened. She didn't see a tree root sticking up out of the earth because of the darkness, her foot got stuck, and she fell flat on her face. This was it, she said to herself. She tried to move but her ankle wouldn't give.
A figure slowly approached her. Her father didn't need to run after her, he must've known that. In his hand was a syringe full of something, as he came closer to her, he knelt down next to her.
"Don't worry, my dear, you won't feel a thing," he said has he stuck her with the needle and injected her with the fluid. . .
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Jannelle jumped up off her bed and quickly shut off her alarm clock. Oh man, what a nightmare, she thought to herself, as she slowly caught her breath. She walked slowly to the bathroom (it was right across from her bedroom). After taking a hot shower, and dressing, she walked up the stairs to eat her breakfast. It was a school day, there would be no reason for her to still feel anxious and nervous.
She looked out the kitchen windows towards the "woods". She knew that there was no lab out there, no surgical tables, no nothing. But, the realness of the dream hit her hard. She walked out her front door, and started walking up the drive. She looked into the "woods", and if by instinct, she saw a flash of something moving. She ran the 1/4 mile to the bus stop, where the other kids were waiting for the bus.
Once the bus arrived, she stepped on and never looked back.
A start to something new
It all happened not too long ago, when I came up with this brilliant idea. Lets write a short story. The story was about Ally, an Irish immigrant and her Southern beau Adam. Based during the American Civil War, it is a novel based on history with a twist, reminiscent of a ghost story. This short story has since turned into my first novel, which I am currently in the process of writing. Since then, I have written many poems and starting on several more short stories based on Ally's twin sisters McKenzie and Taylor. I may even do a prequel on their parents as well.
Rain
I look through the windows
to see rain cascading down the eve's.
It reminds me of tears that used to
Stream constantly down my face.
As I picture all of this,
I see it all in perspective
That tears are there to cleanse away
The pain,
The hurt,
The tension.
- Jessica A. Clements Navarro (3-29-2011)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Ha! The joys of Ex's
It's amazing how people who you don't want in your life any more just happen to come out of the woodwork all at once. Yeah all but one of my ex's have charged their way back into my life, whether I wanted them too or not. Why is this, do you think? I don't normally allow ex's back into my life for one reason. That reason is: because there is a reason why they are ex's! My ex-husband cheated on me, so that makes him a flake. My ex-boyfriend in Colorado, refused to tell the truth about dating me...am I really that much of a secret?!?! And now my ex-boyfriend ditched me because of something that happened before we were together, so that makes him a flake. I don't know about you but I see a connection.
Why would I want these people back in my life? I'm not that nice of a person. Ok, so maybe I am. Especially when I inadvertently bought a ticket to the Dropkick Murphys show for my ex-boyfriend. And what do I get for that? A thank you and a hug. Hmmmm....makes me just want to strangle myself. But, its been done and there isn't much I can do to change it now. Are these boys going to help me with my life or are they just going to tear down my walls until I can't find myself in the shuffle?
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